Discovering mentalities I have to have, approaches to take, where my heart is and what I want......
My recent new favorite songs:
“True” by Ryan Cabrera,
“Fall To Pieces” by Velvet Revolver,
“Seeing Red” by Unwritten Law
Download them! Listen to them!! Love them!!!
Since for some reason I couldn’t sleep at all last night, I started the day off really early talking to my boy, Yankee. God bless him. LOL He was goin to a friend’s wedding (the 2nd one this month) where his ex he was engaged to will be there and his current girlfriend is really upset and insecure about the whole thing. I didn’t know it was today but once he told me I started beggin him not to make my new girl do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable with. We started talking about different things dealing with what he does and what she does for the other. Then our 2 year relationship began to get closer as he said “there is nothing like starting the day off with a fart, shit, burp, and shower. My grandfather always said you feel like a new man after a good shit, shower and a shave.” We began to talk for a few minutes and then I heard the toilet flush and I screamed his name and said “I know you just did not talk to me while you were doing THAT.” He never said a “yes” but he sure as hell didn’t say “no.” At that moment, I said I’d hang up and let him shower. I got to call to check on my girl later…..see how it was meeting that red haired ____ chic.
A lot has happened in the last few days…..or in the last week that I haven’t spoke of.
Start off with last week’s flavor of the month, “Lance.” There is nothing about this person that appeals to me in the slightest. His northern North Carolina accent (he claims is Texas) annoys the hell out of me as well as the way he walks and thinks. He’s from a German decent and therefore thinks he’s the best at everything. He’s God’s gift to women and the world. His daddy happens to be wealthy and owns a few health care businesses and Lance has been handed everything he wants so he thinks nothing is out of his reach. He’s goin to be like daddy and “own things” too. He calls himself “a hard ass in a suit.” He recently graduated from college with a business degree in accounting. If you ask him he’s one of the most intelligent people around (more so than his mother) and was too good to go to a Mississippi public school so went to a North Carolina prep school to finish out high school. He claims he doesn’t belittle or talk down to people (especially me) but I find myself feeling an inch tall and talked to like I’m 3 years old when I’m around him. He instructs/demands things and wants them done right then.
Our first date consisted of riding around in his mustang convertible that he tends to think is the best car on the road. HA!!!!! Our second date, we went to see the movie “Friday Night Lights” and went so called window shopping in the mall. In the mall it was like we were running a marathon. That night I had to drive because we took his car the night before but what wasn’t taken into consideration is that I drove 35 minutes to his house to start with. I was with him from 7pm to 1am and the word dinner was never mentioned. When I got ready to leave his house, he began to fix himself something to eat. I asked “do you treat all your dates this way?” He of course had no clue as to what I meant so I said “you are goin to eat in front of me after not having offered me anything all night?” He offered me a bag of chips. I said “no, I’m leaving now to go to my own house where I will find something. You’re too late, but I will take a drink of water at least.” When we went to the movie, I was under the impression it was a date and that he was paying. We get up to the window and he tells me “ladies first” insinuating I pay my own way. Naturally with me being unemployed at the moment I had no money and said to him “we need to talk.”
By our third date, I had already had the “we are too different” conversation with him twice but he kept saying that we could overcome our differences. He wouldn’t listen. Our third date, I was with him from about 10:30 am to 5:30 pm. He decides he’s goin to put his car in the shop and have me chauffer his ass everywhere. I tell him “I can’t. I’m going to apply for jobs today” he replies with “Ohhh good. I need to apply for some too.” Right off the bat that morning he pisses me off by calling and saying he was goin to be at this place in 30 minutes when he was supposed to have called me when he got up so I had enough time to shower……no, he insisted I get up and meet him up there then although he didn’t follow through on his part. As we are walking into the first building to apply, he complains about how slow I walk. We argue about it and for the rest of the day he insists on walking 2 feet in front of me when the guy is supposed to be beside the girl to protect her. Back in the car, at that point I didn’t care about him at all. I paid no attention to that he was even sitting in the seat beside me. I was singing with the radio and dancing and enjoyin my own company. LOL Through out the day, I learn about his family and why his parents got a divorce. Because they are as different as apples and beer as he and I are but he denied that when I said it. He constantly said smart ass comments ranging from me having to take out student loans for college to having not got my degree yet. Of course, me being me I was constantly taking up for myself by saying just about everyone I know has had to get a loan and only one person I know so far has their degree. It got to a point where I just turned to him and said “You know being a smart ass ALL the time is not funny. There comes a point where it really starts to annoy the people around you and you become a pain in their ass.” He replied with “and?” I said “Cut that shit out!!!!” Oooooo, I can’t explain to you how mad I was. Then we began on the road home. One of my men Tim McGraw was on the radio in MY car so I turned it up. He sat there for a few minutes and then went to touch the radio. I looked at him like “do it and I will kill you” and he looked at me and said “oh, are you listening to that?” and then I get smart and say “no, I just turned it up for the hell of it. Yes, I’m listening to that!!!” He says “sorry, but this isn’t my kind of music.” I said “ohhh, I’m sorry but WE ARE IN MY CAR!! That’s Tim McGraw. You don’t turn MY radio off of Tim!!!” He was like “damn. How the hell did I know?” I said “next time, don’t say you listen to someone when you don’t know what the hell they sing.” He begins to cry like a baby about “I want my car!!! It’s sunny and I want to ride with the top down.” I put up with that shit only about a second until I said “it might be rush hour traffic, we are over 30 minutes away from that shop……but I’ll be damn, you are with me! YOU ARE GETTING THAT CAR!!! Sit back, don’t talk, and let me drive like I know how to do.” We get there and he has the nerve to ask me what I was doing that night. I called a friend and said “hurry. We are doing something tonight.”
Thankfully, that has been the last time I’ve seen that arrogant, egotistical, asshole but unfortunately have still talked to him. He tells me on the phone during our last conversation “when we go out again, you can pick the movie………..I want you to bring me to orgasm by oral.” I say “Lance, we have discussed that we are only casually dating. Nothing serious. I’ve told you I don’t do things like that until I’m in a serious relationship.” He said “I dated you all week and bought you lunch at Wendy’s the other day and put $10 of gas in your car.” I said “so?” I had already told him days before that you don’t ask for sexual favors, they just happen in the heat of the moment. He asked “How will I tell you what I want you to do then?” I replied “you don’t get it!!! You don’t!!!!” I go on to explain the rule of thumb…….you have to give a girl what she wants to get what you want. So therefore you have to go through the trouble of setting the mood, being thoughtful, romantic, etc. He said he’d never done that for a girl but he had heard the examples I gave, it just took effort to remember it. I said “find the effort if you want to get laid.” Since he pretty much demanded me to give him a blow job the next time, and I’ve done my part not once but twice about telling him how I felt and we just needed to call it as friends and drop it and he refuses to hear me out…….I’m avoiding him at all costs and not answering his calls.
I have spoke to Scott, the EMT, and he insists “I’m soooooo sorry. I’ve truly been busy.” I told him “no one is too busy to call someone and say ‘hey I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m still here and still interested I just have to work a lot.’“ He tells me to not believe him if I choose but he’s now working like 6 days a week when it was 2 days on 4 days off. I tell him I’ve dealt with this shit before with Billy on New Year’s and Valentine’s Day and I’m not doing it again. I tell him “You know they take advantage of you single, young guys and make you work all the time. When are you supposed to have a life? When do you get to date or visit family or anything else you might want to do?” He continues to swear he’s still interested and will take me for a ride on his motorcycle. I said “well let it be known, I’m not calling you anymore. I hate talking to your voice mail every time and then you never call me back. You can call me when you’re not so busy.” He got upset when he realized I’m not goin to be the one chasing after him. Damnit, if the boys want me they are goin to step up to the plate for now on!!!!!
I’ve spoke to 2 more of my ex’s……..there is only one left and I keep putting that off because I fear I will hear bad news considering his job. The 2 I’ve talked to are not any I have mentioned before. Their names would be “Charlie” and “Stewart.” Ironically, both contacted me so I just took the opportunity to ask if there were any differences left unresolved between us. They both said “no, we’re straight.” But asked why I was asking. Stewart said “someone has hurt you haven’t they?” I said I wasn’t goin to get into it. He and I talked about mutual people that we know. Charlie apologized saying whatever I went through to bring me to ask that question could not have been good. If I recall, Stewart apologized too which is shocking.
Just days ago, I find out some mind blowing news about a friend that I have known for a year, Mr. Mitchel. He just didn’t want to tell me (or anyone for that matter). He’s an internet friend that lives in North Dakota. Earlier this year, back in the spring after not having heard from him in a while I called him and left a voice mail (I hate those damn things and now your realizing why). He never returned my call. I kept calling and kept calling and leaving messages one after another. For some reason, I had this feeling that something had happened to him. This went on for about a month to 2 months (I've since talked to him many times). I was hurt not to mention pissed off like you wouldn’t believe. I knew he had no right to ignore me but men like to play these stupid games. He tells me the other night, that he’s a soldier in the army and was over seas. He was over there from May 2003-April 2004. I met him somewhere around October 2003. He sent me pictures proving this because I refused to believe it. The first picture he only admitted he is a guard at the armory and works a weekend out of the month and 2 weeks a year. He said he was a part time soldier, full time civilian. That he would never go full time. I asked if he could ever be sent over seas and he said “let me give you this picture.” The second picture shows him working on a humvee in the middle of the desert. I immediately began to cry. I told him “No, Matt. You’re lying to me.” He said “No, I’m not. LeA, I swear I have reason for not telling you. It’s because I don’t want people reacting to the way you are right now. I don’t want people worried about me.” I kept looking for ways to prove he was lying to me saying “No, you were talking to me on New Year’s Eve last year. You were in ND.” He said “No, sweetie. Unfortunately I wasn’t. I told you a little white lie. I understand if you’re mad but it really was the best thing for you.” I kept saying “but I’ve talked so much about the military and how I love the soldiers and camo…..and you still never said anything?” He said “I just don’t want that to be what I’m known for. It’s just something that I do with some of my weekends. I know now that you like me for me not for what I do and now you might even like me even more.” I admitted I felt like I didn’t know him all of a sudden. I continued to cry until he offered to call and talk to me. On the phone, he told me “I swear I am in ND and I’m not goin anywhere anytime soon. That year was rough over there and I will try to get out of goin back any way that I can.” There are some people that I have come in contact with that I am not sure right now why I am as fortunate as I have been to meet them but they definitely have impacted me. Matt Mitchel is one of them. To give others a mention would be Rob Grove, Lieutenant Tyler Oliver, and Chris Lantz.
Believe it or not, I heard from Billy yesterday. I gave in and decided to text message him. He actually replied!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say it just made me pissed off even more at him. The exact conversation was as follows:
That’s all that really needs to be said. I was so upset I couldn’t do anything so I had to lay down and take a nap to calm down. Keep in mind this was someone that I loved and he knew it. He told me repeatedly he was there for me and to “keep constant contact with (him).”
Well, last and least……more news on Jaycen, the forever memorable bastard. The night I was at the movie with Lance, the asshole (Keep up now. They all have their names and reputations. Can’t confuse one for the other. It’s not like one of them actually impresses someone.) Jaycen freaks me out by calling me. By freaks me out…..I mean, when he calls, emails or his name is mentioned I begin to shake like I’m on withdrawls from crack. So I’m in the middle of the movie with this guy and my phone rings and I look to see that bastard’s name on caller id. I start saying “WTF does he want? Why in the hell does he have reason to call me NOW?” He leaves me a voice mail…oh yay!! I finally listen to it at Lance’s house and he’s calling for sympathy and crying because his baby boy (his dog) Tiny had died….or so he claimed. He’s wanting any pictures I might have and wants me to email them to him. He sounded drunk. After hearing it again and again it sounds very rehearsed and of course fake. He’s a compulsive liar. His sister has admitted it. When I get home from Lance’s house because I had not gotten back to Jaycen when he wanted me to, he left me offline messages on the internet this time criticzing me. This is what he said and my reply to him:
I tell one of my best friends, Marla about all this and she simply asks “can I write him an email?” I reply “You wouldn’t believe how long I’ve waited for someone to ask me that. Give me pen and paper now!!” I gave her all of his email addresses and tell her to make sure she sends me a copy. This is the email:
Marla kicks ass!!!!!! Does she not??? It took a few days but he sent a response back but he doesn’t know that I got it. I blocked him in every way possible from contacting me but didn’t know how to block on this particular email account of mine. His response was:
Email titled
If you knew him, it would be obvious to you that he’s in a state of shock and didn’t know what to say. He can fight better than this, I’ve been on the receiving end multiple a time. Since no one responded to his proposal I just knew by no later than this past Wednesday he’d be calling me. He surprised me. He hasn’t called me yet. Well, since all that took place and it’s been 6 weeks, I decided that I’d bring out the cell phone bill to that phone I got him and finally figure out if he called who I feared he had. The Tuesday morning I left his sister’s house to come home…the morning I had to ask for him to tell me bye when I drove over 7 hours to see his sorry good for nothing ass……he left that morning in a hurry at 6:30am to go to work. Cell phone records show that at 6:45am he was calling that bitch whore Samantha he has for an ex (he claims) to obviously tell her he got a cell phone and what the number was. He’d been waiting for me to get out of his way all weekend so he could call her. As far as him calling her he only did it twice BUT there was another bitch named Jammi who he also called twice that he failed to ever mention her name to me in 4 months. I was the one that he called the most and talked to the most but the fact remains that he was doing all this behind my back on a phone that I got for his hairy ass in MY name. I hope one day he happens to find where the earth drops off and we all sit and watch him do the most unintelligent act a human being can do so we all know not to try the same thing.
There has been a guy from the internet that I haven’t mentioned because I never dated him, thank God. But what he did to me just adds to all these things that make me who I am today. He and I were chatting just as friends for about 3 months. He had a picture up on his profile and all was well and then he started telling me how much he liked me and well you know where it was going. Then he suddenly decides to pretend that his little brother had changed the picture on his profile and he wasn’t aware of it. The real him looked nothing like the picture that I had gotten to know. Once again, I had been lied to and lead on so I was pissed off and said that I didn’t know him anymore. I don’t talk to him anymore. His name was Jayson.
I have this friend named Jameson that I was pretty close friends with although I often felt taken advantage of and used because he would only call me or talk to me when he needed girl advice about all his girls. Then one night he tells me some pretty deep things that you don’t just tell anybody and then the very next week he calls me up bragging about how he had a date with this girl that is a sister of one of his friends. I go off saying that I think he needs to stop and figure out what exactly it is that he wants and quit leading people on in the process because all he’s doing is making girls made at him. He doesn’t need to throw those words and feelings around to people. Only say them when you REALLY mean them. I am still so pissed off at him I can’t talk to him and then he asks why. Are men really that clueless? I mean shit, common sense should tell you something. Did I mention that he is 22 and the chick he decides to date is 17 and still in high school. Seriously, grow up dude. How long have you been out of high school? Think with your head for a minute about what you’re doing instead of what’s in your pants. SHE”S NOT EVEN LEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These men that don’t seem to have balls in the head on their shoulders and hearts in their chest really piss me off. I’ve come to learn the major rule of dating: Be out for you!! Look out for yourself. Make sure YOU are happy. Women, be like these men and don’t worry about being nice or considerate…just be out to get yours. DO NOT get attached until he is attached to you!!!! The more you are a smart, hard ass and act like you’re not being won over the more they like you. To them it’s all about the chase. Stand up for yourself, be a bitch, be smart, be intelligent and tell them to fuck off if they need it. If they want to make you orgasm and you don’t mind (and why would you) let them do it and if you don’t like them enough to reciprocate then don’t just like some of them do to women. If they get mad, hey, they offered to bring you to orgasm. You didn’t ask so don’t feel the need to pay back. Seriously, and I mean it, make sure YOU are happy and if they are attached and you like them enough then you can began to let those walls down but NOT until then. And if someone happens to be happy for you that you are happy then good for them but if not……who the hell cares anymore? We are all in this world looking out for ourselves. We can’t please everyone so about 5 months ago I quit trying. Honestly, all I am out to do is make LeA happy. Whatever it takes for that day, that’s what she does. And I mean whatever it takes!!!!!!!!!!
If people would actually listen to me and learn from the mistakes I’ve made in my dating life, I really could save both men and women a whole lot of heartache and butt scratching. Women, I’m still trying to figure out these freaks like all of you but I’ve dated just about every kind of player there is. I’ve heard all their lines, lies, being lead on………I can’t even list it all. I can point them out before they get out of their convertible mustang. Men, don’t be such idiots to think she’s goin to give it up without getting a little romance, cuddling, or whatever she likes first. I can tell you things to do to make her fall in love with you romantically……or sexually if you want to go that route.
On that note, I have to go get ready for a lunch date with a friend of about a year because I house sat for him earlier this week and he wants to pay me back. Now, here is someone that the men can take a lesson or 2 from. One of the only true gentlemen I know.
Well, lunch was good. He lets me do anything I want……even though he was hungry he let me push lunch back an hour. When we get there the poor guy acts like he’s starving. I apologize for asking for it to be later and he says “no, it’s not a problem.” I ask “are you just telling me that to make me feel better or are you really meaning it?” He just smiles. They had changed the menu and upped the prices at the restaurant we went to and I commented on it. He said “Don’t worry, just choose something. Money is not a problem.” But come on, how can you do that to someone like him? We talk about his cat and about his recent trip to Vegas as well as the elections. I invite him to a movie friends and I were goin to see later that night and like all other 10 or so times I invite him somewhere, he turns me down. I don't understand this. It's only when HE invites me somewhere. That pissed me off.
On my way home………OH BOY!!!!!! I kept thinking and kept thinking. Kept staring at my phone. Got my heart racing. Pulled up a certain person’s number on my phone. Starred at it a second and closed my eyes and pushed send. I was scared out of my mind to call Tim, one of the other true gentlemen I know. One, because I didn’t think I would get him. I seriously thought he would be overseas and I was not prepared to hear that. I don’t think I can ever prepare to hear that. Two, because other than Billy this was the one guy I’ve always wanted. Maybe, to be honest, more than Billy. And third, every time I’ve contacted someone from my past like Andrew, they can always sense that something is off about me and begins to ask questions wanting to know why and what happened and for some reason I didn’t want to get into that with Tim.
It rang for what seemed liked forever and I thought I was goin to get voice mail and I began to panick……then all of a sudden I heard the sweet voice I remember sounding shocked as hell and say “Lieutenant Owens?” I said “Tim?” breathing heavily and continued with “This is LeA in DeSoto County. Do you remember me?” and it goes silent. He then says “LeA!! Of course. How could I forget you!!??” And I immediately begin to blush, smile and almost cry. It was obvious I was nervous as hell so I don’t hide it. I say “to cut to the chase, every time I turn on the tv, radio or read a magazine there is always talk of a soldier and the only thing that ever crosses my mind is Tim Owens and how I pray that you are ok and safe and I was hoping that you were in the states. I was scared to death you were overseas again.” He says “awwww LeA. You have not lost your touch and your compassion. I appreciate that so much and I know you truly mean it. I am glad you called.” I end up telling him what I’ve wanted to say for many months now……”Tim, I just have to let you know……I’ve dated many people before you and many after you and you truly are one of a kind. There are not many like you at all. After dating you, I know how I am supposed to be treated. You left a huge impression on me and there are truly not many days that go by that I don’t think about you.” All he said was “wow, I don’t know how to respond to that. My mother tells me the same thing about being unique.” He begins to ask about me and what I’ve been up to lately. I tell him about my jobs I’m trying to get lined up and my volunteering to support the soldiers around here. He said “Wow, you truly are impressive. You love your country and the men that fight for your freedom. We really do love people like you.” I about cried a flood but fought it. I said “I do it because people like yourself work so hard to do something for us when you don’t even know a 1/3 of the people and you rarely get paid back” I also told him, that I’m getting out of a rough spot and trying to fight hard to get my life on track. He asked “umm, do you want to talk about it?” I took a deep breath and said “well, I really didn’t mean to discuss all this with you. I really just wanted to know how you were. But I can discuss it. I don’t want you to feel that I don’t trust you.” I tell him about my recent goal of contacting people from my past and just resolving any issues and that they all seem to sense I’m not the same person and they too ask me “someone has hurt you haven’t they?” So, I tell Tim EVERYTHING just like I did Andrew. Tim is one of the very few people that knows. I tell him about my shaking, my panic attacks, my sense of unsafety, the threats, the list that Jaycen made, my doubts, my new fears, etc. The whole nine yards. And he was left stunned, shell shocked as he called it. (constant military lingo :-)). And he tells me his advice and different routes that he would take. He says "that guy sounds like a true asshole." He says that he thinks it’s amazingly strong of me dealing with it the way I am. He thinks I’m doing a fantastic thing of contacting past people……that I’m doing whatever I need to do to get my self esteem back and my emotional status under control. I told him what Andrew said and somehow got off on his new life and he said “he sounds like a good man.” I was stunned as hell and said that’s the NEW him. He recognized the way I talked of Andrew as being a fellow soldier. The brotherhood of those guys fascinates me. Tim tells me what I needed to hear from him…”LeA, you’re a GREAT girl. You truly only deserve the best. You seriously have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. You’re genuine and your smile……your smile literally lights up the room. I remember that very clear. And when you talk to someone it’s evident in your eyes that you care about them like they are your family. You listen intently and sit for hours never saying a word. I remember how you made me feel when I was there and I felt like no one else mattered on the earth. I was it for you. I truly am glad you called me. I am so sorry for not keeping contact with you. I am one of the world’s worst at that.” At that point, I was welling up with tears. As he spoke, I was remembering of all the things we did and how HE made me feel and I have never felt the same since. He also commented on Jaycen wanting me to change everything about me saying "all those things make up who you are. the music you listen to is very well the reason you have the heart like you do, and your accent I personally found attractive not to mention the way you dressed. don't listen to him. you really don't need to let one person bring you down like that." He asked how my parents are, even remembered their illnesses (which no other guy I’ve dated has ever done or even bothers to ask). He asked about my brother and his family. I asked about him. He recently visited his brother in AR about a month ago. He’s back in school and has an internship with media and public relations. His parents are still over seas-Dad is coming home for Christmas. He’s dating the girl I heard so much about and got jealous over right before I stopped hearing from him. I told him too, like Andrew, that it was obvious he seemed to like her. She’s got a 3 year old daughter…I can’t believe he’d put himself in that situation but anyway. He said they aren’t serious, just dating……not talking of marriage or anything. Laughed when I asked if living together and said “NOT SERIOUS.” I was like “sorry, I didn’t know how many months and stuff…LOL” He got a new truck, 2003 Ford Explorer with heated seats because he gets really cold especially in the winter. Seeing that was adorable. The motor on his bike is run down and he just got new boots to wear at work and in the field. He spent the whole month of September training in the field. And the news I knew I'd hear eventually, he's goin back to Iraq along about next summer or fall (maybe around May). He’s goin to take his neighbor’s 9 year old son to the Titan’s game tomorrow when he gets off of work because his dad is out of town and he was really looking forward to going. Damn it, why couldn’t I have my chance with him????? Things like that get to my heart everytime. I want a man as a husbsand that would make the best daddy, and Tim is goin to literally move mountains. During the summer he went to upstate New York and trained the cadets at West Point and that was a lot of fun to him. He’s truly soldier to the core and one of the best you will ever meet. I told him that too. We started talking of books he’s read and politics. OMG, don’t get him on that. A soldier talking about politics is walking into the middle of the war zone unarmed. He’s extremely intelligent and educated and has many points to back up his views. I’ve been wanting to ask a soldier, namely Tim because I know him so well, about his views on the election. There is no better point of view with this country’s state than a soldiers and he sold me. We…or I should say He, talked about everything from health care, soldier health care, retirement, military support, who has the best strategy, best ideas for funds for weapons, getting the country back on it’s feet here and in Iraq, the scandals and rumors that are goin around about each one, and last Micheal Moore’s video on 9-11. He hates him and didn’t want to give the man any of his money. LOL I hear that. Closing it up, I told him that he had my number now and to keep in touch and I will do the same. And I'll not let so many months and days go by before I call him again since it’s easier for me than it is him. I said that it took me so long to call because I felt that he didn’t want to talk to me. And this is where he and I began to resolve the one issue that we had……he said “LeA, I’m sorry I didn’t keep in better contact. It was rude of me, I know…but I did that for one reason and one reason only. I feared that you were getting attached and I couldn’t have that in the profession I’m in and having just come out of a long distance relationship and pondering another one……I couldn’t do it, honestly. I did it for my sake too because I don’t want either of us hurt but mainly for you. I just saw it in your eyes and that was like looking into your heart. YOUR eyes speak words that you don’t have to. Please forgive me. I’m really glad that you called me today!!” I said “well, I truly respect and appreciate you for being honest. That’s all I ask of anyone and you’re the first one that is man enough to admit it. It’s no secret and I know it was evident when you were here that I get attached to people easily and to be honest you are the kind of guy that is very easy to get attached to and yes it did leave me confused and hurt because I admit, since we are being honest, I was already attached. But thank you again for coming to truths with me on that.” He said “without a doubt if we weren’t at a distance………I’ll stop.” I didn’t comment on that because God how that hurts to hear him say that when he’s the kind of guy I’m looking for and knowing he’s with that other girl. My last statement to him since he had to go check on the guys in the barracks since he was on guard for the weekend was “Tim, that girl your with is the luckiest girl in the world to be with you. There is no need to say it, but I’m jealous of her. Take care of yourself and please keep in contact with me. Let me know what’s goin on with you.” He said “Well, I’d have to argue….I’m lucky to be with her, but you take care too sweetie. We will keep in contact.”
Ok, now I might admit that was the really big reason of why I didn’t want to call him but then I did. I knew that I was more than likely goin to hear that he was in a relationship. It’s hard as hell to watch the one you want be with someone else………ok, NOW I’m goin to get emotional.
“True” by Ryan Cabrera,
“Fall To Pieces” by Velvet Revolver,
“Seeing Red” by Unwritten Law
Download them! Listen to them!! Love them!!!
Since for some reason I couldn’t sleep at all last night, I started the day off really early talking to my boy, Yankee. God bless him. LOL He was goin to a friend’s wedding (the 2nd one this month) where his ex he was engaged to will be there and his current girlfriend is really upset and insecure about the whole thing. I didn’t know it was today but once he told me I started beggin him not to make my new girl do anything she doesn’t feel comfortable with. We started talking about different things dealing with what he does and what she does for the other. Then our 2 year relationship began to get closer as he said “there is nothing like starting the day off with a fart, shit, burp, and shower. My grandfather always said you feel like a new man after a good shit, shower and a shave.” We began to talk for a few minutes and then I heard the toilet flush and I screamed his name and said “I know you just did not talk to me while you were doing THAT.” He never said a “yes” but he sure as hell didn’t say “no.” At that moment, I said I’d hang up and let him shower. I got to call to check on my girl later…..see how it was meeting that red haired ____ chic.
A lot has happened in the last few days…..or in the last week that I haven’t spoke of.
Start off with last week’s flavor of the month, “Lance.” There is nothing about this person that appeals to me in the slightest. His northern North Carolina accent (he claims is Texas) annoys the hell out of me as well as the way he walks and thinks. He’s from a German decent and therefore thinks he’s the best at everything. He’s God’s gift to women and the world. His daddy happens to be wealthy and owns a few health care businesses and Lance has been handed everything he wants so he thinks nothing is out of his reach. He’s goin to be like daddy and “own things” too. He calls himself “a hard ass in a suit.” He recently graduated from college with a business degree in accounting. If you ask him he’s one of the most intelligent people around (more so than his mother) and was too good to go to a Mississippi public school so went to a North Carolina prep school to finish out high school. He claims he doesn’t belittle or talk down to people (especially me) but I find myself feeling an inch tall and talked to like I’m 3 years old when I’m around him. He instructs/demands things and wants them done right then.
Our first date consisted of riding around in his mustang convertible that he tends to think is the best car on the road. HA!!!!! Our second date, we went to see the movie “Friday Night Lights” and went so called window shopping in the mall. In the mall it was like we were running a marathon. That night I had to drive because we took his car the night before but what wasn’t taken into consideration is that I drove 35 minutes to his house to start with. I was with him from 7pm to 1am and the word dinner was never mentioned. When I got ready to leave his house, he began to fix himself something to eat. I asked “do you treat all your dates this way?” He of course had no clue as to what I meant so I said “you are goin to eat in front of me after not having offered me anything all night?” He offered me a bag of chips. I said “no, I’m leaving now to go to my own house where I will find something. You’re too late, but I will take a drink of water at least.” When we went to the movie, I was under the impression it was a date and that he was paying. We get up to the window and he tells me “ladies first” insinuating I pay my own way. Naturally with me being unemployed at the moment I had no money and said to him “we need to talk.”
By our third date, I had already had the “we are too different” conversation with him twice but he kept saying that we could overcome our differences. He wouldn’t listen. Our third date, I was with him from about 10:30 am to 5:30 pm. He decides he’s goin to put his car in the shop and have me chauffer his ass everywhere. I tell him “I can’t. I’m going to apply for jobs today” he replies with “Ohhh good. I need to apply for some too.” Right off the bat that morning he pisses me off by calling and saying he was goin to be at this place in 30 minutes when he was supposed to have called me when he got up so I had enough time to shower……no, he insisted I get up and meet him up there then although he didn’t follow through on his part. As we are walking into the first building to apply, he complains about how slow I walk. We argue about it and for the rest of the day he insists on walking 2 feet in front of me when the guy is supposed to be beside the girl to protect her. Back in the car, at that point I didn’t care about him at all. I paid no attention to that he was even sitting in the seat beside me. I was singing with the radio and dancing and enjoyin my own company. LOL Through out the day, I learn about his family and why his parents got a divorce. Because they are as different as apples and beer as he and I are but he denied that when I said it. He constantly said smart ass comments ranging from me having to take out student loans for college to having not got my degree yet. Of course, me being me I was constantly taking up for myself by saying just about everyone I know has had to get a loan and only one person I know so far has their degree. It got to a point where I just turned to him and said “You know being a smart ass ALL the time is not funny. There comes a point where it really starts to annoy the people around you and you become a pain in their ass.” He replied with “and?” I said “Cut that shit out!!!!” Oooooo, I can’t explain to you how mad I was. Then we began on the road home. One of my men Tim McGraw was on the radio in MY car so I turned it up. He sat there for a few minutes and then went to touch the radio. I looked at him like “do it and I will kill you” and he looked at me and said “oh, are you listening to that?” and then I get smart and say “no, I just turned it up for the hell of it. Yes, I’m listening to that!!!” He says “sorry, but this isn’t my kind of music.” I said “ohhh, I’m sorry but WE ARE IN MY CAR!! That’s Tim McGraw. You don’t turn MY radio off of Tim!!!” He was like “damn. How the hell did I know?” I said “next time, don’t say you listen to someone when you don’t know what the hell they sing.” He begins to cry like a baby about “I want my car!!! It’s sunny and I want to ride with the top down.” I put up with that shit only about a second until I said “it might be rush hour traffic, we are over 30 minutes away from that shop……but I’ll be damn, you are with me! YOU ARE GETTING THAT CAR!!! Sit back, don’t talk, and let me drive like I know how to do.” We get there and he has the nerve to ask me what I was doing that night. I called a friend and said “hurry. We are doing something tonight.”
Thankfully, that has been the last time I’ve seen that arrogant, egotistical, asshole but unfortunately have still talked to him. He tells me on the phone during our last conversation “when we go out again, you can pick the movie………..I want you to bring me to orgasm by oral.” I say “Lance, we have discussed that we are only casually dating. Nothing serious. I’ve told you I don’t do things like that until I’m in a serious relationship.” He said “I dated you all week and bought you lunch at Wendy’s the other day and put $10 of gas in your car.” I said “so?” I had already told him days before that you don’t ask for sexual favors, they just happen in the heat of the moment. He asked “How will I tell you what I want you to do then?” I replied “you don’t get it!!! You don’t!!!!” I go on to explain the rule of thumb…….you have to give a girl what she wants to get what you want. So therefore you have to go through the trouble of setting the mood, being thoughtful, romantic, etc. He said he’d never done that for a girl but he had heard the examples I gave, it just took effort to remember it. I said “find the effort if you want to get laid.” Since he pretty much demanded me to give him a blow job the next time, and I’ve done my part not once but twice about telling him how I felt and we just needed to call it as friends and drop it and he refuses to hear me out…….I’m avoiding him at all costs and not answering his calls.
I have spoke to Scott, the EMT, and he insists “I’m soooooo sorry. I’ve truly been busy.” I told him “no one is too busy to call someone and say ‘hey I haven’t forgotten about you. I’m still here and still interested I just have to work a lot.’“ He tells me to not believe him if I choose but he’s now working like 6 days a week when it was 2 days on 4 days off. I tell him I’ve dealt with this shit before with Billy on New Year’s and Valentine’s Day and I’m not doing it again. I tell him “You know they take advantage of you single, young guys and make you work all the time. When are you supposed to have a life? When do you get to date or visit family or anything else you might want to do?” He continues to swear he’s still interested and will take me for a ride on his motorcycle. I said “well let it be known, I’m not calling you anymore. I hate talking to your voice mail every time and then you never call me back. You can call me when you’re not so busy.” He got upset when he realized I’m not goin to be the one chasing after him. Damnit, if the boys want me they are goin to step up to the plate for now on!!!!!
I’ve spoke to 2 more of my ex’s……..there is only one left and I keep putting that off because I fear I will hear bad news considering his job. The 2 I’ve talked to are not any I have mentioned before. Their names would be “Charlie” and “Stewart.” Ironically, both contacted me so I just took the opportunity to ask if there were any differences left unresolved between us. They both said “no, we’re straight.” But asked why I was asking. Stewart said “someone has hurt you haven’t they?” I said I wasn’t goin to get into it. He and I talked about mutual people that we know. Charlie apologized saying whatever I went through to bring me to ask that question could not have been good. If I recall, Stewart apologized too which is shocking.
Just days ago, I find out some mind blowing news about a friend that I have known for a year, Mr. Mitchel. He just didn’t want to tell me (or anyone for that matter). He’s an internet friend that lives in North Dakota. Earlier this year, back in the spring after not having heard from him in a while I called him and left a voice mail (I hate those damn things and now your realizing why). He never returned my call. I kept calling and kept calling and leaving messages one after another. For some reason, I had this feeling that something had happened to him. This went on for about a month to 2 months (I've since talked to him many times). I was hurt not to mention pissed off like you wouldn’t believe. I knew he had no right to ignore me but men like to play these stupid games. He tells me the other night, that he’s a soldier in the army and was over seas. He was over there from May 2003-April 2004. I met him somewhere around October 2003. He sent me pictures proving this because I refused to believe it. The first picture he only admitted he is a guard at the armory and works a weekend out of the month and 2 weeks a year. He said he was a part time soldier, full time civilian. That he would never go full time. I asked if he could ever be sent over seas and he said “let me give you this picture.” The second picture shows him working on a humvee in the middle of the desert. I immediately began to cry. I told him “No, Matt. You’re lying to me.” He said “No, I’m not. LeA, I swear I have reason for not telling you. It’s because I don’t want people reacting to the way you are right now. I don’t want people worried about me.” I kept looking for ways to prove he was lying to me saying “No, you were talking to me on New Year’s Eve last year. You were in ND.” He said “No, sweetie. Unfortunately I wasn’t. I told you a little white lie. I understand if you’re mad but it really was the best thing for you.” I kept saying “but I’ve talked so much about the military and how I love the soldiers and camo…..and you still never said anything?” He said “I just don’t want that to be what I’m known for. It’s just something that I do with some of my weekends. I know now that you like me for me not for what I do and now you might even like me even more.” I admitted I felt like I didn’t know him all of a sudden. I continued to cry until he offered to call and talk to me. On the phone, he told me “I swear I am in ND and I’m not goin anywhere anytime soon. That year was rough over there and I will try to get out of goin back any way that I can.” There are some people that I have come in contact with that I am not sure right now why I am as fortunate as I have been to meet them but they definitely have impacted me. Matt Mitchel is one of them. To give others a mention would be Rob Grove, Lieutenant Tyler Oliver, and Chris Lantz.
Believe it or not, I heard from Billy yesterday. I gave in and decided to text message him. He actually replied!!!!!!!!!!!! Needless to say it just made me pissed off even more at him. The exact conversation was as follows:
me (10:47:41 AM): r u alive?
Billy (11:22:06 AM): Yeah
me (11:36:19 AM): i hadn't heard from u in forever. u didn't return calls so i didn't know
Billy (11:40:20 AM): Calls? I dont remember them.I have been busy i know that
me (11:42:35 AM): i guess bout a month ago when i was goin to court. i needed u but at least ur ok.
That’s all that really needs to be said. I was so upset I couldn’t do anything so I had to lay down and take a nap to calm down. Keep in mind this was someone that I loved and he knew it. He told me repeatedly he was there for me and to “keep constant contact with (him).”
Well, last and least……more news on Jaycen, the forever memorable bastard. The night I was at the movie with Lance, the asshole (Keep up now. They all have their names and reputations. Can’t confuse one for the other. It’s not like one of them actually impresses someone.) Jaycen freaks me out by calling me. By freaks me out…..I mean, when he calls, emails or his name is mentioned I begin to shake like I’m on withdrawls from crack. So I’m in the middle of the movie with this guy and my phone rings and I look to see that bastard’s name on caller id. I start saying “WTF does he want? Why in the hell does he have reason to call me NOW?” He leaves me a voice mail…oh yay!! I finally listen to it at Lance’s house and he’s calling for sympathy and crying because his baby boy (his dog) Tiny had died….or so he claimed. He’s wanting any pictures I might have and wants me to email them to him. He sounded drunk. After hearing it again and again it sounds very rehearsed and of course fake. He’s a compulsive liar. His sister has admitted it. When I get home from Lance’s house because I had not gotten back to Jaycen when he wanted me to, he left me offline messages on the internet this time criticzing me. This is what he said and my reply to him:
jdwilkinson69 (11:51:28 PM): did you get my message about tiney
jdwilkinson69 (11:53:54 PM): oh yea, and thats very childish to slash someone's name on the internet but hey what can i say, you're right but i was also right about you
me (1:36:29 AM): yeah i got your messg. about tiny. i was goin to try to talk to you about it but then i saw this messg. and don't know what the hell your talking about.
me (1:38:18 AM): how did i slash ur name? and childish? let's talk about how childish you were when i was there visiting you. i think i earned my right to be childish but I haven't put it to use yet.
me (2:02:24 AM): and hey, what can i say looks like all my doubts about you were right also. you'd be a slightly decent guy if you would get your head out of your ass and bring ur ego down a little of course that wouldn't help anything with using people. anyway, yeah i have pics of tiny but after all you've done and said to me and obviously still are.....tell me one good reason i should help u out? we really need to settle our diff. john and move on. i have not totally outruled being your friend but i'm not goin to let you put me down constantly. we need to talk if u want pics. and u need to apologize.....
me (4:09:49 AM): all differencies aside, how did tiny die? i'm sorry to hear that. I hope maybe this will change you for the better.
I tell one of my best friends, Marla about all this and she simply asks “can I write him an email?” I reply “You wouldn’t believe how long I’ve waited for someone to ask me that. Give me pen and paper now!!” I gave her all of his email addresses and tell her to make sure she sends me a copy. This is the email:
Mr. Wilkinson,
I am LeAnne Moore's friend, Marla.
I am going to make this short and simple for your simple mind. Leave her alone. Obviously, I don't think too much of your Vanilla Ice ass. I have NEVER been too crazy for punk wannabe's....and LeAnne isn't either.
No one gives a damn that your dog died. And LeAnne probably would give you back the pictures if she hadn't of burned all of them. Quit trying to start shit with her. She wants you out of her life. In fact, you interrupted her date the other night when you called with your little rehearsed "my dog died speech." Please, for everyone's sake, call someone who gives a damn.
If you weren't busy with pointing out her "flaws" maybe you would see your own. Get over her....she's gone.....you lost her. Also, don't get mad at her calling you a bastard. If the shoe fits, wear it. No one can help it that your mom's a slut. Get counseling. Get a life. Get a GED. You have issues.
After this email is sent, this account will be closed down. I'm sorry, but you don't have the pleasure of the last word this time, Vanilla.
Very Sincerely,
Marla
Marla kicks ass!!!!!! Does she not??? It took a few days but he sent a response back but he doesn’t know that I got it. I blocked him in every way possible from contacting me but didn’t know how to block on this particular email account of mine. His response was:
Email titled
“let’s see this”
Hey, tell your friend marla smith to call me and say the same shit to me personal. She doesn't have a chance in hell. If she was a real lady, she would come out with it. Fuck an email. Lets get personal.
If you knew him, it would be obvious to you that he’s in a state of shock and didn’t know what to say. He can fight better than this, I’ve been on the receiving end multiple a time. Since no one responded to his proposal I just knew by no later than this past Wednesday he’d be calling me. He surprised me. He hasn’t called me yet. Well, since all that took place and it’s been 6 weeks, I decided that I’d bring out the cell phone bill to that phone I got him and finally figure out if he called who I feared he had. The Tuesday morning I left his sister’s house to come home…the morning I had to ask for him to tell me bye when I drove over 7 hours to see his sorry good for nothing ass……he left that morning in a hurry at 6:30am to go to work. Cell phone records show that at 6:45am he was calling that bitch whore Samantha he has for an ex (he claims) to obviously tell her he got a cell phone and what the number was. He’d been waiting for me to get out of his way all weekend so he could call her. As far as him calling her he only did it twice BUT there was another bitch named Jammi who he also called twice that he failed to ever mention her name to me in 4 months. I was the one that he called the most and talked to the most but the fact remains that he was doing all this behind my back on a phone that I got for his hairy ass in MY name. I hope one day he happens to find where the earth drops off and we all sit and watch him do the most unintelligent act a human being can do so we all know not to try the same thing.
There has been a guy from the internet that I haven’t mentioned because I never dated him, thank God. But what he did to me just adds to all these things that make me who I am today. He and I were chatting just as friends for about 3 months. He had a picture up on his profile and all was well and then he started telling me how much he liked me and well you know where it was going. Then he suddenly decides to pretend that his little brother had changed the picture on his profile and he wasn’t aware of it. The real him looked nothing like the picture that I had gotten to know. Once again, I had been lied to and lead on so I was pissed off and said that I didn’t know him anymore. I don’t talk to him anymore. His name was Jayson.
I have this friend named Jameson that I was pretty close friends with although I often felt taken advantage of and used because he would only call me or talk to me when he needed girl advice about all his girls. Then one night he tells me some pretty deep things that you don’t just tell anybody and then the very next week he calls me up bragging about how he had a date with this girl that is a sister of one of his friends. I go off saying that I think he needs to stop and figure out what exactly it is that he wants and quit leading people on in the process because all he’s doing is making girls made at him. He doesn’t need to throw those words and feelings around to people. Only say them when you REALLY mean them. I am still so pissed off at him I can’t talk to him and then he asks why. Are men really that clueless? I mean shit, common sense should tell you something. Did I mention that he is 22 and the chick he decides to date is 17 and still in high school. Seriously, grow up dude. How long have you been out of high school? Think with your head for a minute about what you’re doing instead of what’s in your pants. SHE”S NOT EVEN LEGAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
These men that don’t seem to have balls in the head on their shoulders and hearts in their chest really piss me off. I’ve come to learn the major rule of dating: Be out for you!! Look out for yourself. Make sure YOU are happy. Women, be like these men and don’t worry about being nice or considerate…just be out to get yours. DO NOT get attached until he is attached to you!!!! The more you are a smart, hard ass and act like you’re not being won over the more they like you. To them it’s all about the chase. Stand up for yourself, be a bitch, be smart, be intelligent and tell them to fuck off if they need it. If they want to make you orgasm and you don’t mind (and why would you) let them do it and if you don’t like them enough to reciprocate then don’t just like some of them do to women. If they get mad, hey, they offered to bring you to orgasm. You didn’t ask so don’t feel the need to pay back. Seriously, and I mean it, make sure YOU are happy and if they are attached and you like them enough then you can began to let those walls down but NOT until then. And if someone happens to be happy for you that you are happy then good for them but if not……who the hell cares anymore? We are all in this world looking out for ourselves. We can’t please everyone so about 5 months ago I quit trying. Honestly, all I am out to do is make LeA happy. Whatever it takes for that day, that’s what she does. And I mean whatever it takes!!!!!!!!!!
If people would actually listen to me and learn from the mistakes I’ve made in my dating life, I really could save both men and women a whole lot of heartache and butt scratching. Women, I’m still trying to figure out these freaks like all of you but I’ve dated just about every kind of player there is. I’ve heard all their lines, lies, being lead on………I can’t even list it all. I can point them out before they get out of their convertible mustang. Men, don’t be such idiots to think she’s goin to give it up without getting a little romance, cuddling, or whatever she likes first. I can tell you things to do to make her fall in love with you romantically……or sexually if you want to go that route.
On that note, I have to go get ready for a lunch date with a friend of about a year because I house sat for him earlier this week and he wants to pay me back. Now, here is someone that the men can take a lesson or 2 from. One of the only true gentlemen I know.
Well, lunch was good. He lets me do anything I want……even though he was hungry he let me push lunch back an hour. When we get there the poor guy acts like he’s starving. I apologize for asking for it to be later and he says “no, it’s not a problem.” I ask “are you just telling me that to make me feel better or are you really meaning it?” He just smiles. They had changed the menu and upped the prices at the restaurant we went to and I commented on it. He said “Don’t worry, just choose something. Money is not a problem.” But come on, how can you do that to someone like him? We talk about his cat and about his recent trip to Vegas as well as the elections. I invite him to a movie friends and I were goin to see later that night and like all other 10 or so times I invite him somewhere, he turns me down. I don't understand this. It's only when HE invites me somewhere. That pissed me off.
On my way home………OH BOY!!!!!! I kept thinking and kept thinking. Kept staring at my phone. Got my heart racing. Pulled up a certain person’s number on my phone. Starred at it a second and closed my eyes and pushed send. I was scared out of my mind to call Tim, one of the other true gentlemen I know. One, because I didn’t think I would get him. I seriously thought he would be overseas and I was not prepared to hear that. I don’t think I can ever prepare to hear that. Two, because other than Billy this was the one guy I’ve always wanted. Maybe, to be honest, more than Billy. And third, every time I’ve contacted someone from my past like Andrew, they can always sense that something is off about me and begins to ask questions wanting to know why and what happened and for some reason I didn’t want to get into that with Tim.
It rang for what seemed liked forever and I thought I was goin to get voice mail and I began to panick……then all of a sudden I heard the sweet voice I remember sounding shocked as hell and say “Lieutenant Owens?” I said “Tim?” breathing heavily and continued with “This is LeA in DeSoto County. Do you remember me?” and it goes silent. He then says “LeA!! Of course. How could I forget you!!??” And I immediately begin to blush, smile and almost cry. It was obvious I was nervous as hell so I don’t hide it. I say “to cut to the chase, every time I turn on the tv, radio or read a magazine there is always talk of a soldier and the only thing that ever crosses my mind is Tim Owens and how I pray that you are ok and safe and I was hoping that you were in the states. I was scared to death you were overseas again.” He says “awwww LeA. You have not lost your touch and your compassion. I appreciate that so much and I know you truly mean it. I am glad you called.” I end up telling him what I’ve wanted to say for many months now……”Tim, I just have to let you know……I’ve dated many people before you and many after you and you truly are one of a kind. There are not many like you at all. After dating you, I know how I am supposed to be treated. You left a huge impression on me and there are truly not many days that go by that I don’t think about you.” All he said was “wow, I don’t know how to respond to that. My mother tells me the same thing about being unique.” He begins to ask about me and what I’ve been up to lately. I tell him about my jobs I’m trying to get lined up and my volunteering to support the soldiers around here. He said “Wow, you truly are impressive. You love your country and the men that fight for your freedom. We really do love people like you.” I about cried a flood but fought it. I said “I do it because people like yourself work so hard to do something for us when you don’t even know a 1/3 of the people and you rarely get paid back” I also told him, that I’m getting out of a rough spot and trying to fight hard to get my life on track. He asked “umm, do you want to talk about it?” I took a deep breath and said “well, I really didn’t mean to discuss all this with you. I really just wanted to know how you were. But I can discuss it. I don’t want you to feel that I don’t trust you.” I tell him about my recent goal of contacting people from my past and just resolving any issues and that they all seem to sense I’m not the same person and they too ask me “someone has hurt you haven’t they?” So, I tell Tim EVERYTHING just like I did Andrew. Tim is one of the very few people that knows. I tell him about my shaking, my panic attacks, my sense of unsafety, the threats, the list that Jaycen made, my doubts, my new fears, etc. The whole nine yards. And he was left stunned, shell shocked as he called it. (constant military lingo :-)). And he tells me his advice and different routes that he would take. He says "that guy sounds like a true asshole." He says that he thinks it’s amazingly strong of me dealing with it the way I am. He thinks I’m doing a fantastic thing of contacting past people……that I’m doing whatever I need to do to get my self esteem back and my emotional status under control. I told him what Andrew said and somehow got off on his new life and he said “he sounds like a good man.” I was stunned as hell and said that’s the NEW him. He recognized the way I talked of Andrew as being a fellow soldier. The brotherhood of those guys fascinates me. Tim tells me what I needed to hear from him…”LeA, you’re a GREAT girl. You truly only deserve the best. You seriously have the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. You’re genuine and your smile……your smile literally lights up the room. I remember that very clear. And when you talk to someone it’s evident in your eyes that you care about them like they are your family. You listen intently and sit for hours never saying a word. I remember how you made me feel when I was there and I felt like no one else mattered on the earth. I was it for you. I truly am glad you called me. I am so sorry for not keeping contact with you. I am one of the world’s worst at that.” At that point, I was welling up with tears. As he spoke, I was remembering of all the things we did and how HE made me feel and I have never felt the same since. He also commented on Jaycen wanting me to change everything about me saying "all those things make up who you are. the music you listen to is very well the reason you have the heart like you do, and your accent I personally found attractive not to mention the way you dressed. don't listen to him. you really don't need to let one person bring you down like that." He asked how my parents are, even remembered their illnesses (which no other guy I’ve dated has ever done or even bothers to ask). He asked about my brother and his family. I asked about him. He recently visited his brother in AR about a month ago. He’s back in school and has an internship with media and public relations. His parents are still over seas-Dad is coming home for Christmas. He’s dating the girl I heard so much about and got jealous over right before I stopped hearing from him. I told him too, like Andrew, that it was obvious he seemed to like her. She’s got a 3 year old daughter…I can’t believe he’d put himself in that situation but anyway. He said they aren’t serious, just dating……not talking of marriage or anything. Laughed when I asked if living together and said “NOT SERIOUS.” I was like “sorry, I didn’t know how many months and stuff…LOL” He got a new truck, 2003 Ford Explorer with heated seats because he gets really cold especially in the winter. Seeing that was adorable. The motor on his bike is run down and he just got new boots to wear at work and in the field. He spent the whole month of September training in the field. And the news I knew I'd hear eventually, he's goin back to Iraq along about next summer or fall (maybe around May). He’s goin to take his neighbor’s 9 year old son to the Titan’s game tomorrow when he gets off of work because his dad is out of town and he was really looking forward to going. Damn it, why couldn’t I have my chance with him????? Things like that get to my heart everytime. I want a man as a husbsand that would make the best daddy, and Tim is goin to literally move mountains. During the summer he went to upstate New York and trained the cadets at West Point and that was a lot of fun to him. He’s truly soldier to the core and one of the best you will ever meet. I told him that too. We started talking of books he’s read and politics. OMG, don’t get him on that. A soldier talking about politics is walking into the middle of the war zone unarmed. He’s extremely intelligent and educated and has many points to back up his views. I’ve been wanting to ask a soldier, namely Tim because I know him so well, about his views on the election. There is no better point of view with this country’s state than a soldiers and he sold me. We…or I should say He, talked about everything from health care, soldier health care, retirement, military support, who has the best strategy, best ideas for funds for weapons, getting the country back on it’s feet here and in Iraq, the scandals and rumors that are goin around about each one, and last Micheal Moore’s video on 9-11. He hates him and didn’t want to give the man any of his money. LOL I hear that. Closing it up, I told him that he had my number now and to keep in touch and I will do the same. And I'll not let so many months and days go by before I call him again since it’s easier for me than it is him. I said that it took me so long to call because I felt that he didn’t want to talk to me. And this is where he and I began to resolve the one issue that we had……he said “LeA, I’m sorry I didn’t keep in better contact. It was rude of me, I know…but I did that for one reason and one reason only. I feared that you were getting attached and I couldn’t have that in the profession I’m in and having just come out of a long distance relationship and pondering another one……I couldn’t do it, honestly. I did it for my sake too because I don’t want either of us hurt but mainly for you. I just saw it in your eyes and that was like looking into your heart. YOUR eyes speak words that you don’t have to. Please forgive me. I’m really glad that you called me today!!” I said “well, I truly respect and appreciate you for being honest. That’s all I ask of anyone and you’re the first one that is man enough to admit it. It’s no secret and I know it was evident when you were here that I get attached to people easily and to be honest you are the kind of guy that is very easy to get attached to and yes it did leave me confused and hurt because I admit, since we are being honest, I was already attached. But thank you again for coming to truths with me on that.” He said “without a doubt if we weren’t at a distance………I’ll stop.” I didn’t comment on that because God how that hurts to hear him say that when he’s the kind of guy I’m looking for and knowing he’s with that other girl. My last statement to him since he had to go check on the guys in the barracks since he was on guard for the weekend was “Tim, that girl your with is the luckiest girl in the world to be with you. There is no need to say it, but I’m jealous of her. Take care of yourself and please keep in contact with me. Let me know what’s goin on with you.” He said “Well, I’d have to argue….I’m lucky to be with her, but you take care too sweetie. We will keep in contact.”
Ok, now I might admit that was the really big reason of why I didn’t want to call him but then I did. I knew that I was more than likely goin to hear that he was in a relationship. It’s hard as hell to watch the one you want be with someone else………ok, NOW I’m goin to get emotional.
posted by Sweet Pea @ 7:17 PM
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