Searching for answers by reconnecting with my past.
Well when I started this I intended to write every day. About a week ago, I did sit down and took about a 1 ½ hours writing and went to publish it and the damn internet lost it. It was good too. But after everything that has happened and continues to happen to me…..I can’t get upset over something so petty. I just had to lay my head down on my desk and say “well, that’s just my luck.” So now I’ll sit here and try to remember everything I said then.
I am now considering going back to school….but starting all over for a different major and to a different school. I have my good friend Chris to thank for this. He and I were having a conversation one night and I was talking about how hard it is to find a job doing clerical work even with somewhat of a degree (I have an Associates). I went on to say that I know I’m one of the best at working with kids and with my experience I know that I could get a job. I began to talk about how much I missed my kids and how I wasn’t afraid to get in the floor to play with them or sit at their table and color. Actually, I looked forward to that everyday. My boss (who was also my 3rd grade teacher) gave me the highest praises especially on the day I left. She was crying and said that I was one of the best workers she’d ever had. She was my mentor. A few months ago, I heard she retired. I was one of the strictest teachers and kept my kids in line but at the same time I was one of the coolest teachers because I played with them. I developed a lot of muscle by picking those kids up and throwing them over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. LOL Everyone since high school has always told me that is what I should be doing because it came natural to me. The few people I have told that I might be doing this just smiled and said “I think that’s a great idea. I was waiting on when you would realize that.” The only thing is I’m so close to graduating with a business degree, it makes sense like someone told me to go and finish getting that one and then I can start all over again with this. That’s where I come to a fork in the road. In the meantime, a few weeks ago as I searched the paper looking for a job, I saw an ad for a nursery worker for a church. I applied and now I have an interview on Monday. To me this rough spot that I’m in seems to all be part of God’s plan to make my hard-headed, stubborn self to realize what my butt needs to be doing. I’m listening God, more now than ever!!!!
On October 20, 2004 almost an exact year to the day when I last heard from Andrew, I wake up to find I had received an email in response to one I had written.
First, let me explain why I wrote the email. I really can’t put into words for anyone to understand what the deal with “Jaycen” has left me feeling. I’m searching for answers that I know I will never find but I have to attempt to do something…for me. It’s amazing what a song, a magazine article or anything of the like can do for a person if they read or hear it at the right moment when they need it. I was reading a girlfriend’s Glamour magazine and I ran across this article on why guys do the things they do (why they act a certain way). The author was a male and he explained that he and his current girlfriend were in a fight and she said some things that made him think about himself. On his way home from work one day he decided to call an ex girlfriend to see how she felt when she was with him, how he was in their relationship, etc. He said it was cathartic because not only did he get his answers but he also got to find out what she’s up to these days and hearing her voice again felt good. I began to think of myself and my situation and I thought “I’ve got to ask someone who I’ve had a relationship with what they thought about me, how we were when together. I need to know if they agree with Jaycen.” So, I wrote an email to none other than “Andrew.” Remember him? To get the awkwardness out of the way, I email asking how he is, where he’s working and so forth. He emails me back with the shocking first line of “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a while now.” He gives me his number and says I can call if I want. Later that day around 1pm, I call him and we talk for nearly 2 hours, like we never lost contact. We always said that we would continue to be friends but it took us a year to get to this point.
One of the things I loved most about Andrew is his amazing phone voice. It’s the smoothest most comforting voice I’ve ever heard. That is prolly the only thing about that man that hasn’t changed. The first thing I ask him is "Why are you trying to get in touch with me? What’s wrong?" he said "Ummm, just to say hi. You did leave an impression on me you know." I did all the question asking first, covering his parents, sister, brother, friends, his work, school, where he lives…………etc. Cheryl, the woman he broke up with me for, has completely changed this man when it wasn’t possible. He’s completely head over heels in love and what love does to a person is unreal. I told him when we were together that he loved her and he denied it. He admitted to me on the phone “I think I’ve always loved her it just took me this long to realize it.” This man’s car was his baby, his world. When I asked if that title still is true he said “Ummm, it’s just a car.” I literally almost fell out of my chair. He refers to Cheryl as his “better half.” He’s pretty much engaged... there is a ring, just waiting on time. He’s anxious to settle down and be married…..with her! Says he pretty much already is just waiting on her to take care of things she wants done first. He’s looking into buying a house with a yard and dogs. I knew he had a good heart inside of him if he wanted to, he just had to have the right person bring it out.
When he began to ask questions about me, that’s when I got to the main point of why I got in touch with him. I had to tell him of what I’ve recently gone through so I could ask him what I needed to ask. At different times he said "You tell him to go to hell and to call me and I’ll give him the directions on how to get there." He seriously thinks I should press charges any and every way I can. I had to tell him of Jaycen’s checklist and all those details and it brought me to ask........."How did u see me when we were together? Did you think like he does? Be completely brutally honest with me Andrew.” He said "LeA, stop. You are thinking you did something wrong and you didn't. It wasn't anything about you or that you did.....it's just one of those things that wasn't there. You know how I felt about you at the time and I made that very clear. NEVER EVER NEVER EVER doubt. Especially yourself. That was the one thing I know I showed you!!!! And don't ever change for anyone I don't care who they are. Him asking you to do that means he's not happy with himself. He’s got issues LeA. Major one's." I said “It’s not that I am doubting myself really….it’s that I’m doubting everything: life, men, dating, me….” He said again “NEVER EVER NEVER EVER doubt. I don’t care what it is DON’T.” He asked me "You didn't talk this way about me did you?" I asked "Did you give me reason to Andrew?" He replied "Well, I know we argued a lot of times but it's easy for me to piss people off and not knowing, when, how, what, and where. But I would hope that I was never this bad" I said "well, yeah we argued a whole lot and there were times you hurt me and made me very upset. I'm just shocked that you’re talking to me right now or that you even replied to my email and said you want to talk to me." He asked why was I shocked..........I was like "We didn't exactly leave things on the best of terms Andrew but that's all in the past. I’m very impressed with what you have goin on in your life right now and you sound very happy." He said "Thank you. I am happy!!!" I was about to cry and said "I’m happy for you." He said he needed to hear that from me. I’m guessing because he thought I held a grudge which at one time I did but so much has happened to me since then…….I can’t really remember something so small.
I had no intentions of getting so in depth with him about all this but it brought me to tell him that after I was with him my self esteem had never been so high and now it's at it's all time lowest. He said he was speechless but that he could tell by the way I talk I’m not exactly myself and that I too had changed a lot. I told him that one of my best friends, Marla and I were recently discussing how much I had changed and the biggest transformation came when I was with him. I became more outgoing, more laid back, more open, more experienced in things.....etc. It's obvious I allowed him to influence me a lot. There are things I do to this day because of him that I never dreamed I would like. I asked if his "better half" would get upset that I called and he said no. he said “Here is my work number…” I said I didn't want to get him in trouble and he said "Hey, if you need to talk you need to talk. I mean it. Call me." It ended with "Take care of yourself LeA. You’re a good girl. Please be careful." At many times he brought tears to my eyes about what he said about me and how much he has changed and so in love. I knew there was good in him......he rarely showed it with me but something tipped me off. I am truly starting to believe that if you show someone love, care, and concern if they are a decent human being they will eventually come around and thank you for caring about them. I never thought Andrew Thomas would be one of them but he's the first that has!!!
After talking to Andrew, I decided that I needed to make sure that there are no differences between me and anyone else. I can’t stand when people are mad at me, and if something happened to me I want everything resolved before hand. So now I’m on a mission to talk to the men of my past.
I am now considering going back to school….but starting all over for a different major and to a different school. I have my good friend Chris to thank for this. He and I were having a conversation one night and I was talking about how hard it is to find a job doing clerical work even with somewhat of a degree (I have an Associates). I went on to say that I know I’m one of the best at working with kids and with my experience I know that I could get a job. I began to talk about how much I missed my kids and how I wasn’t afraid to get in the floor to play with them or sit at their table and color. Actually, I looked forward to that everyday. My boss (who was also my 3rd grade teacher) gave me the highest praises especially on the day I left. She was crying and said that I was one of the best workers she’d ever had. She was my mentor. A few months ago, I heard she retired. I was one of the strictest teachers and kept my kids in line but at the same time I was one of the coolest teachers because I played with them. I developed a lot of muscle by picking those kids up and throwing them over my shoulder like a sack of potatoes. LOL Everyone since high school has always told me that is what I should be doing because it came natural to me. The few people I have told that I might be doing this just smiled and said “I think that’s a great idea. I was waiting on when you would realize that.” The only thing is I’m so close to graduating with a business degree, it makes sense like someone told me to go and finish getting that one and then I can start all over again with this. That’s where I come to a fork in the road. In the meantime, a few weeks ago as I searched the paper looking for a job, I saw an ad for a nursery worker for a church. I applied and now I have an interview on Monday. To me this rough spot that I’m in seems to all be part of God’s plan to make my hard-headed, stubborn self to realize what my butt needs to be doing. I’m listening God, more now than ever!!!!
On October 20, 2004 almost an exact year to the day when I last heard from Andrew, I wake up to find I had received an email in response to one I had written.
First, let me explain why I wrote the email. I really can’t put into words for anyone to understand what the deal with “Jaycen” has left me feeling. I’m searching for answers that I know I will never find but I have to attempt to do something…for me. It’s amazing what a song, a magazine article or anything of the like can do for a person if they read or hear it at the right moment when they need it. I was reading a girlfriend’s Glamour magazine and I ran across this article on why guys do the things they do (why they act a certain way). The author was a male and he explained that he and his current girlfriend were in a fight and she said some things that made him think about himself. On his way home from work one day he decided to call an ex girlfriend to see how she felt when she was with him, how he was in their relationship, etc. He said it was cathartic because not only did he get his answers but he also got to find out what she’s up to these days and hearing her voice again felt good. I began to think of myself and my situation and I thought “I’ve got to ask someone who I’ve had a relationship with what they thought about me, how we were when together. I need to know if they agree with Jaycen.” So, I wrote an email to none other than “Andrew.” Remember him? To get the awkwardness out of the way, I email asking how he is, where he’s working and so forth. He emails me back with the shocking first line of “I’ve been trying to get a hold of you for a while now.” He gives me his number and says I can call if I want. Later that day around 1pm, I call him and we talk for nearly 2 hours, like we never lost contact. We always said that we would continue to be friends but it took us a year to get to this point.
One of the things I loved most about Andrew is his amazing phone voice. It’s the smoothest most comforting voice I’ve ever heard. That is prolly the only thing about that man that hasn’t changed. The first thing I ask him is "Why are you trying to get in touch with me? What’s wrong?" he said "Ummm, just to say hi. You did leave an impression on me you know." I did all the question asking first, covering his parents, sister, brother, friends, his work, school, where he lives…………etc. Cheryl, the woman he broke up with me for, has completely changed this man when it wasn’t possible. He’s completely head over heels in love and what love does to a person is unreal. I told him when we were together that he loved her and he denied it. He admitted to me on the phone “I think I’ve always loved her it just took me this long to realize it.” This man’s car was his baby, his world. When I asked if that title still is true he said “Ummm, it’s just a car.” I literally almost fell out of my chair. He refers to Cheryl as his “better half.” He’s pretty much engaged... there is a ring, just waiting on time. He’s anxious to settle down and be married…..with her! Says he pretty much already is just waiting on her to take care of things she wants done first. He’s looking into buying a house with a yard and dogs. I knew he had a good heart inside of him if he wanted to, he just had to have the right person bring it out.
When he began to ask questions about me, that’s when I got to the main point of why I got in touch with him. I had to tell him of what I’ve recently gone through so I could ask him what I needed to ask. At different times he said "You tell him to go to hell and to call me and I’ll give him the directions on how to get there." He seriously thinks I should press charges any and every way I can. I had to tell him of Jaycen’s checklist and all those details and it brought me to ask........."How did u see me when we were together? Did you think like he does? Be completely brutally honest with me Andrew.” He said "LeA, stop. You are thinking you did something wrong and you didn't. It wasn't anything about you or that you did.....it's just one of those things that wasn't there. You know how I felt about you at the time and I made that very clear. NEVER EVER NEVER EVER doubt. Especially yourself. That was the one thing I know I showed you!!!! And don't ever change for anyone I don't care who they are. Him asking you to do that means he's not happy with himself. He’s got issues LeA. Major one's." I said “It’s not that I am doubting myself really….it’s that I’m doubting everything: life, men, dating, me….” He said again “NEVER EVER NEVER EVER doubt. I don’t care what it is DON’T.” He asked me "You didn't talk this way about me did you?" I asked "Did you give me reason to Andrew?" He replied "Well, I know we argued a lot of times but it's easy for me to piss people off and not knowing, when, how, what, and where. But I would hope that I was never this bad" I said "well, yeah we argued a whole lot and there were times you hurt me and made me very upset. I'm just shocked that you’re talking to me right now or that you even replied to my email and said you want to talk to me." He asked why was I shocked..........I was like "We didn't exactly leave things on the best of terms Andrew but that's all in the past. I’m very impressed with what you have goin on in your life right now and you sound very happy." He said "Thank you. I am happy!!!" I was about to cry and said "I’m happy for you." He said he needed to hear that from me. I’m guessing because he thought I held a grudge which at one time I did but so much has happened to me since then…….I can’t really remember something so small.
I had no intentions of getting so in depth with him about all this but it brought me to tell him that after I was with him my self esteem had never been so high and now it's at it's all time lowest. He said he was speechless but that he could tell by the way I talk I’m not exactly myself and that I too had changed a lot. I told him that one of my best friends, Marla and I were recently discussing how much I had changed and the biggest transformation came when I was with him. I became more outgoing, more laid back, more open, more experienced in things.....etc. It's obvious I allowed him to influence me a lot. There are things I do to this day because of him that I never dreamed I would like. I asked if his "better half" would get upset that I called and he said no. he said “Here is my work number…” I said I didn't want to get him in trouble and he said "Hey, if you need to talk you need to talk. I mean it. Call me." It ended with "Take care of yourself LeA. You’re a good girl. Please be careful." At many times he brought tears to my eyes about what he said about me and how much he has changed and so in love. I knew there was good in him......he rarely showed it with me but something tipped me off. I am truly starting to believe that if you show someone love, care, and concern if they are a decent human being they will eventually come around and thank you for caring about them. I never thought Andrew Thomas would be one of them but he's the first that has!!!
After talking to Andrew, I decided that I needed to make sure that there are no differences between me and anyone else. I can’t stand when people are mad at me, and if something happened to me I want everything resolved before hand. So now I’m on a mission to talk to the men of my past.
posted by Sweet Pea @ 1:12 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home