I just don't understand..........

Well this is my first post and so you don't think I'm a dark, all black wearing freak (no offense to those of you who are) I guess I should explain where my thoughts come from and why I think like I do before I start telling you what those thoughts are.

I have the most horrible dating life known to man kind. I'm not being funny, I'm serious. Just recently I went through what you can call a life changing experience. To be cliche, it was the last straw. I'm not comfortable giving out all the details....right now anyway. The experience has left me a different person. Now it seems that my friend (s) can't handle it.........

That brings me to the reason of why I started this. There are some things I need to say. I need people to know them and this just seemed ideal. So, the following goes out to them.

We all have problems. Some more than others, some more tragic than others. What I'm confused on, is when I am pretty much at the lowest point I have ever been in my life.....when did all my problems start becoming all about just you???

My depression, my happiness does not rely on you. You are not responsible for it. You can take it as "she doesn't enjoy my friendship anymore" if you want but that's not the way it is said. You are not the only person in my life and you never will be. I have other "sisters," I will have guys I date, eventually a husband and children. I will always have my neice and my sister-n-law that I don't get along with but she will always be there. The relationship I have with you is not the only one I have. It is not the only one I value.

You tell me to "smile damnit, laugh, be happy." Tell me exactly what reason I have for that? Yes, I wake up daily thanking God for my house, bed and clothes but it pretty much stops there. I don't have the boyfriend much less the husband to cry to at times like this. I don't have a child that depends on me, loves me no matter what and is always there. I don't have my own house and money to do things with. According to the doctor's I don't even really have my health anymore. BOTH of my parents drastically get more ill every day. My dad with cancer who might not be here come the new year and my mother with Parkinson's and diabetes. I am busting my ass to find a job but can't seem to find one to save my life, not even at your local Walgreens. I've got bills coming out of my ears that are wanting money when I don't even have a dollar to my name. I've got emotional scars from a Labor Day weekend experience that are likely to never go away as long as I live but I'm struggling to deal with so I can continue to have a social life. The one person I thought was different from all the others.....the one I TRULY loved......comes back into my life, says he will help me get over this as well with other things and then he gets in a mood and decides he doesn't want to return my calls or answer the damn phone when I desperately need his help. But I do thank God for what I do have. And then you get mad at me and say you're hurt and offended when I say I just want to be left alone, I want to deal with this in my own way?????? You don't know a 1/3 of what I'm goin through!!!! I swear to you that you have never been where I've been. You've never experienced what I have. No one knows everything, but what you do know you shouldn't be doing this to me.

You get mad one minute that I'm not happy and then the next minute your mad cuz I have turned down your invite to do something when I've told you I just want to be alone. Not to mention the fact that I know that no noone wants to be around someone who is depressed all the time so that's another reason I continue to lay low. You tell me "you've always come to me all the other times." Well, yes but damn it you don't understand. This is far more serious and difficult than the other times. I have to deal with this in my own way. What you don't realize is the more you keep pushing me and pushing me the more I'm pulling away. I've asked for my space numerous times and you just won't leave me the hell alone. It doesn't help matters much that one day your accusing me of practically trying to murder "your baby" when anyone that even looks at me knows I can't even kill a fly, much less hurt a child. Then you make comments about my appearance that leaves me thinking "well I'll be damned. She actually agrees with that bastard!!!" You can think whatever you want to about me, I don't care anymore. But damn, have a heart and don't kick a dog while it's down. Just don't tell me your thoughts. I mean I'm still not over when "he" said it. I know I look like shit more now than ever. I live with myself. I see me everyday all day long. I don't need you or him telling me that. A lot of it is the stress and depression that the two of you are somewhat responsible for.

Along with giving me my space, I've repeatedly told you numerous times that there are certain things it would be best if weren't brought up. Nope, they are always brought up. I get pissed. I go off and you get shocked and upset at how I went off. I will say it again, I am NOT the same person that I used to be. Until you screw me over and piss me off you won't know that. I'll be the sweet, quiet person everyone knows me as but screw me over once and that's it. I'm so damn tired of being walked on, taken advantage of, lied to, and lead on. It's not happening anymore. Now, I'll tell you "fuck you" and turn around and walk off and think nothing of it. I never said that word till a few months ago.

I personally feel that you don't have a right to be upset with me because I want to deal with my own shit a different way this time. Like I told you the other night, you are not the only one. There are other relationships of mine that are on the line here. Most of them do as I ask and just let me be. You said that didn't make you feel any better because you have been the only one there for me anyway. That is not exactly true. That's just what you tell yourself. I've just always chosen to go to you, but I have others that are there for me. But again, your making yourself out to be the number one in my life. I really am at a loss on how one person can be upset with another person because they are wanting to take time for themselves and work things out within their own mind and life. That just blows my mind but maybe it's me. It often scares me at how you seem to view our relationship like your dating me and you don't want to share me with anyone else I may know.

You have been pushing me over the line lately but I decided the "you left my baby in a danger zone" was the last straw. By the way, it's not my house or my child therefore not my responsibility. You admitted you knew the desk was broken therefore it is on you that it was left like that for "your baby" to get possibly injured. I've said what I had to say.......as in your words like someone else I know "forgive me for being honest."